


Death

by dragon_dream



Series: Night thought [2]
Category: No Fandom, Original Work
Genre: Other, Poetry, Self-Discovery, Self-Doubt, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-07
Updated: 2020-07-26
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:21:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23049985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragon_dream/pseuds/dragon_dream
Summary: Death Note
Series: Night thought [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1656280
Kudos: 1





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> \-- An old death note on July 13 2019
> 
> I wrote this note in English for some reasons I didn’t quite understand
> 
> Is it because...
> 
> I didn't want to stain my language with blood and shame
> 
> or
> 
> I didn’t want someone to see through me 
> 
> I felt compelled to leave something behind 
> 
> yet I had no intention to open myself
> 
> English is a frosted glass 
> 
> I couldn’t convey my thought exactly through it 
> 
> then
> 
> possibly 
> 
> no one could see the inside of my world

I’ve been thinking about this for a very long time 

Years, to be exact. 

I didn’t know where the thought of death came from 

Yet it rose to the surface of my mind every now and then 

I’ve done extensive research on suicide methods

Searching for the optimal way to say goodbye 

Obsessed…if I have to come up with an adjective for my feeling of death

Sometimes I admire those people who could bear the pain and execute their plans

As for Me…

I’m more like a wimp, longing it for years but never dare to try 

For everyone who has shown in my life, without any of you, I couldn’t possibly have experienced such a wonderful time 

I’ve always wondered what it is like after death

And now 

I'm about to know


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An attempt on July 14 2019

I lay in a bathtub filled with warm water 

The warmth revealed the colour of my veins 

I put a paper blade against my wrist, let it slide on my skin 

Shivers spread along my spine 

I gently pushed it into the fresh 

But it only left a tentative mark with a fleeting moment of stinging pain

It was harder than I thought 

Something was stopping me from pushing it 

Harder 

Deeper 

Into my skin 

Fear of pain?

Or something else I can’t quite name it?

The golden sunshine broke through the window

Gorgeous yet nothing 

I didn’t feel anything 

No excitement nor sadness

Just nothing...except a stronger voice echoing in my head

I wanna leave 

I still laugh, I still cry 

But after those brief moments 

Emptiness is the word for me 

Like there’s a hole swallowing me 

I wanna shut down my consciousness

I wanna sink in endless sleep

I long for darkness 

And

I long for death


	3. Chapter 3

I bought a knife a month ago. I guess that's one of the lowest points in my life. I couldn't stop thinking about stabbing it into my heart and the imagination was oddly satisfying. I went online searching for the right position to stab so it would be quick and painless. Before I pluck up the courage to execute my plan, I accidentally cut my arm when playing around with the knife. A chunk of skin was gone, exposing the fresh. Blood was everywhere but there was no pain at all. At that exact moment, I felt alive again, and the compelling urge to stab my heart disappear. Though I wonder how long will it last?


	4. Chapter 4

不想活  
亦  
不想死

我只想不复存在


End file.
